"The wound is the place where the light enters you." - Rumi
I am beginning to understand the more light I let in, the closer I feel to you.
It is not through the tears and the pain that I feel you with me.
It is not reliving the day you left us that I feel closest to you.
It is not repeating the question "why" over and over with no answer that I feel you next to me.
It is not obsessing over the "what ifs" that help me picture your perfect little face.
It is making the world a little bit better place because of you.
It is doing things that we would have done together for you.
It is in the lessons that I continue to learn from of you.
It is in every sunrise and sunset that I see you.
It is in the love around me that I feel you.
Living with grief does not mean we have to stay in a constant state of sadness. I am coming to the realization when I am in my darkest places, breaking over and over from the pain of living without him, I don't necessarily feel the closest to him. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is in this space I feel like he is 1,000 worlds away.
When I look around with clear eyes and an open heart, that is when I feel him. That is when I see him in everything I do. That is when I smile, look up, blow him a kiss and whisper, "I know that is you."
You are still here, in the light shining through the cracks of my soul, not in the cracks themselves. You are in the space of all things beautiful that surround me.