The space between us.
It was 2 months after we lost our son when I began to understand why many couples do not stay together after a child loss.
I wasn't in a place where I was questioning whether we would be able to make it. I was at place where I could clearly see how quickly life can unravel while being oblivious to it.
We were going through the motions but those motions were not in sync with one another like they had always been.
The boat that we once navigated and sailed together so well had been capsized by a tsunami. Within a split second our lives and everything we knew changed. We were thrown from this boat we steered as one and flung across opposite sides of a gaping ocean. Now here we were, alone and barely clinging to our own life preservers.
The realization terrified me. I had just lost one of the most important things in my entire world. I couldn't handle losing another. I went to my husband and I told him all of my fears for our future.
Realizing it early and acknowledging it was our saving grace. We vowed to each other that we would not let this space become so large and powerful that it separates us forever.
No, this does not mean the space disappeared and no longer exists. It is still here. It always will be as we grieve the rest of our lives for our baby. Some days the space is only a few inches while other days it is miles wide.
Marriage is hard work. Marriage is even harder work when your child dies. The person you knew and fell in love with may feel like a stranger now. Who you were is altered. Who they were is altered.
There will be days you will not like this person very much. There will be days that they will not like you very much. That's ok. Because there will also be many days you hold each other tight and thank God for every second you have had one another other.
You will learn how to walk together again. You will stumble as you go. You will fall over and over, but you will pick each other back.
Filling the space between us with grace, love, patience and forgiveness is what bridges the gap.