The radio was blaring when a song I've heard dozens of times came on. It's a love song.
As I belted out the lyrics to 'Like I'm Gonna Lose You' along with Meghan Trainor and John Legend something began to happen...I wasn't hearing a song about lovers anymore. No, the narrative was changing as it played.
It didn't make me think of my wonderful husband (sorry babe). It made me think of the three children I still have here in the flesh with me.
"I woke up in tears With you by my side A breath of relief And I realized No, we're not promised tomorrow So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you And I'm gonna hold you, like I'm saying goodbye Wherever we're standing I won't take you for granted 'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you In the blink of an eye Just a whisper of smoke You could lose everything The truth is you never know."
Yep. The truth is you never know. And I, along with far too many parents, have learned this lesson the hardest way possible.
As I hear this song with fresh ears it hits me; this is how I love my kids on earth now. I love them like I'm going to lose them. Because I know I can.
The more I thought about it I began to wonder if this made me a better mom or a worse mom...
Do I worry more?
A sneeze can now be pneumonia. A delayed call could be a horrific accident. Getting off the bus 5 minutes late might be an abduction. YES. I make the helicopter moms look sane.
But am I more patient?
I watch my toddler pour his juice on the carpet while smiling. Terrible two's. It is only carpet, it will clean. He's here and clearly very happy from the grin on his face. And that’s what really matters isn’t it?
Do I get excited over every achievement, no matter how big or small?
Ummm...pretty sure my daughter may not invite me back to her volleyball games due to the fact I am the loudest unofficial cheerleader in the building 🙈
I love them harder. I cheer for them louder. I hold them longer. I make them hug me (a lot). I advocate more than ever for them. I take an overabundant amount of photos. I worry more. I over analyze every scenario preparing for the worst. I drive them crazy. I'm overly protective. I'm overly present. I'm not present enough on the hard days when I miss my one in heaven a little extra. I'm stricter. I'm more laidback.
Am I better mom or a worse mom? Maybe the answer is simple; I'm a little bit of both. Regardless I am going to continue loving them like I'm gonna lose them.