I Am Not In Control

It's in the most painful cracks of our stories we discover we are not in control of the life we've been given.

For me it took losing my son to learn this.

You would think it would be a lesson I'd never forget. But as time does, it passes. And as it passes we let certain pieces pass with it. I didn't realize I had been letting this lesson slowly slip away.

Because God knows what is in our hearts, our minds and our souls long before we do, He knew I was in need of his reminder again. Only He is in control.

Our son, our rainbow baby, had been sick with the flu. He had a fever, cough, congestion. After you lose a child the smallest illness your children on earth get feels huge. I tried my best to just focus on taking care of him and pushing out the demons that were creeping into my thoughts. He’s fine I’d tell myself, it’s just the flu. But on night three things took a turn and my nightmares became my reality.

Hours after he had went to bed we heard a thumping noise coming from his room. We rushed in to find him having a seizure. We placed him on the floor on his side and called 911.

There was only one other time in my life I've felt this way. The feeling of complete helplessness and a fear that shakes you to your core.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to throw up.

I wanted to scream - NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!

But I could do none of these things. I was paralyzed in this moment of deja vu.

His eyes open but an emptiness present as he stared right through me. There I sat with on the floor with him, one hand on his back, the other gently caressing his forehead, rocking back and forth. Was I comforting him or trying to calm myself?

The paramedics arrived.

Climbing into the ambulance, his little body in my arms, all I could think of was that day. The last time I climbed into an ambulance with my baby was the last ride we would ever take together.

And just like that day I prayed and pleaded with God like I never have before the entire drive. My mantra - please don't take him, please don't take him, please don't take him.

It wasn't until we were wheeled into the hospital I felt the tension in my body slightly ease, able to take a deep breath. This time was different. The staff was not lining the hall waiting and ready for our arrival. There was no urgent call over the intercom stating, "pediatric code blue". They didn't whisk him away and stick me in a room to wait.

My heart now knew it would not be the same outcome as before. This time I would leave with little boy I came here with.

Days later, in a quiet moment alone with God I let myself crumble and fall a part. In this moment of surrendering everything to Him I heard him speak to my heart and his message was loud and clear. He told me to stop trying to be in control. Stop trying to write the ending of my story.

I cannot say I won’t continue to worry when one of my three earth children get sick, drive away alone for the first time or spread their wings to take on new adventures. If I’m being honest I cannot tell you my fear of losing another child will ever go away. I’m human.

That being said, if I know anything it is this; He is in control. He will provide and shelter through the storms. He will bring light amongst the darkness. I’ve lived to see it. I trust Him.