His Forever Words

Yesterday was the first time my body, heart, soul (maybe all three) physically pulled me to the cemetery. The cemetery holding my son's body deep in its earth. The cemetery I refuse to go to.

In the 3.5 years since burying him I have been there TWICE.

Until yesterday.

I was driving by and at the last possible second I made a sharp turn into the entrance (nearly going into the ditch). It was a magnetic like force I was too weak to fight pulling me in.

I parked my car on the side of the lane and I began making my way up the steep grassy hill; carefully placing my footing between a sea of headstones. A voice kept yelling from within,”Turn around! You do not come here!".

But before I could listen to the voice...I found him.

After several years he still does not have a headstone. This is because of me and only me. I have not been able to sit down and face the finality this step represents. I have not been capable of piecing together the perfect words to sum up my baby, my love for him, his life - the words that will be his forever words.

Even without a headstone marking his place though, I can still find him. As in life, in death a mother's intuition does not fail.

As I laid in the grass, 6ft above his tiny white casket, I thought of how strange it was. The little bones now buried beneath me are the same little bones I made. They are the same little bones I grew inside of my body.

Once upon a time I thought there would come a day when one of those bones would break after a fall off of a bike or a hard hit he'd take in a football game. The one scenario never playing out in my head was that I'd be sitting above them.

I cried at this thought. Not the sobbing tears. The hot tears that slowly run down your cheeks until they silently splash to the ground.

I don't know how long I sat there reflecting on a life I expected to have vs the life I have now. It could have been minutes or hours. Eventually I rose, making my way back down the hill.

As I drove away I knew two things for certain.

One, my love for that little boy will never lessen as the years pass by.

Two, it is time to find his forever words.